What's Up With God?

in my profile I have listed GO DOG GO! as one of my favorite books, so I clicked on it and nearly everyone that had that listed as a fav. was super religious. Interesting. I am not religious.

Get Ahold of Yourself Woman!

I am riddled with guilt over the events of the past 3 days. I have totally overwhelmed my kids with all of this change and I feel like now they are suddenly little nightmares.
I not very familiar with guilt. I talk about it alot but don't usually feel it. Mostly I am arrogant and feel I am right about most things thus guilt doesn't really apply. This, I honestly feel. It's exceptionally yucky.
I tried crying all morning but that didn't work.
My daughter has suddenly starting saying things like "get away from me!" and "I want daddy to come home - not YOU!"
I am such a baby, this really hurts me. I know I will get over it but I just see it as the first step in their true independance and it scares me. I like the happy cocoon we live in.
Can you imagine me leaving them at preschool for the first time?
I could not have imagined myself in this situation. This, I'm a giant baby situation.
If you axe me, I need to build a bridge and get over it.
I think I might have PMS.

The Bottle Let Me Down

Before I go to bed, I have to come clean. My husband caught our daughters drinking cough medicine and ibuprofen tonight. One was feeding it to the other.
I can't even express the sickening feeling that ripped through my body. I feel shocked still and it was several hours ago. Poison control, as well as my 500 searches on the internet, claim that it wasn't nearly enough to do any harm.
I left the medicine in their room. I totally under (over?) estimated them. I would have bet they wouldn't drink it and a few weeks ago I would have been right.
I can't stop thinking about how suddenly after turning 3 they are so independent and it just breaks my heart that my babies are gone. It's been a rough few days with the soothers going, the big girl beds, colds and then mommy trying to poison them. It adds up, you know.
Whew, I'm tired. Tomorrow I will try to be a better parent.

Suck It Baby

It's nearly 3 a.m. and I am sitting listening to my girls wail in their beds.
I took their soothers away tonight because I am a mean and awful person wishing only the worst for my kids.
Talk about breaking my heart! Oh, they love their soothies. Why am I so mean and whos idea was this?
My husband keeps coming downstairs and saying things like "why is she screaming for a smoothie?" Asshole.
I am thinking that I shouldn't have taken them away right after I switched them over to the big beds. Gawd, I'm actaully screwing them up right now as I type this.
Live coverage of the moment I messed them up for good.

My poor gorgeous beasts. I think they may be drifting off now. Please oh please.

She's KOO-KOO

Flo, the MIL from a certain extra painful part of hell is gone.
I want to say that I believe she really does have a disorder of some sort. She's not just evil, she's nuts. And in my defense, I am nice to her even though she does not deserve it.
If one of my sweet little girls fart, Flo does this dance where she jumps from one foot to the other, waving her arms and sings a little song that goes something like "A-ROOT-A-TOOT-TOOT! TOOTIE-TOOT-TOOT" It's very...animated. I have all of these fantasies going on in my head at that time. One of them I just push her over and she falls out of her dance. That's the nice one. The others involve blood - mine or hers.
She brings her dog each visit. My cat has this move where he hides under the bed until the dog walks by then he lunges onto the dog's back and goes for a ride. Anyway, Flo has a theory that if her dog throws up, it is because it has to poop. She figures that there is only enough room in there for X amount of waste, I suppose. So if the dog makes any retching noises, you know it has to shit. I'm no vet but I'm thinking there is something wrong there.
The thing that irritates me the very most, is her desire to treat and ultimately turn my daughters into little princess' I don't like the idea that she tells them "not to get dirty" and "that you need to have pretty hair to go out". I have written before what her daughter is like. Would never, ever, ever go out without make-up, shops for clothes daily, primps and preens and bases all of her worth on her appearance. If me girl's turn out to be girly-girls all on there own, then fine, but I can't allow this sort of stuff being shoved down their throats. It's just grotesque.

Oh F-YOU Lady!

Can you say fuckity fuck fuck fucker?
That's right, my mother-in-law is staying with us.
And her little dog too...

Must she fill in every single silence with something? Sometimes it's the stupidest chatter, sometimes it's passive aggression spoken with a tight-lipped smile and sometimes it's little song and dance routines to "impress" my kids. Even at 3 they can tell how messed up she is. Ahhh, they are learning to roll their little eyes, aren't they just precious?
The woman has not stopped moving or talking since she arrived 6 months ago. I mean two days ago.
She speaks to everyone like they are mentally handicapped.
She is so uncomfortable in her own skin I can't even imagine how she functions day to day. She can not, under any circumstance, handle even one moment of not speaking. It's like she and I are on a first date and she is so nervous and freaked out, she might need to call her dad to come pick her up.
As tradition states, she thoroughly embarrassed me and pissed me off at my girls birthday party yesterday. Interrupted me disciplining my kids in front of a group of people and of course had little rude comments about the people we'd invited (but after they left because she hasn't the balls to do it any other way)
If I tidy up the kitchen she is right behind me to show me how to do it a little better. If I use water, she uses soap and if I use soap, she'll use bleach. Do you see how she is just better than me? Clearly, she is the better house cleaner which makes her the better person right?
I honestly think she has OCD. Or something requiring medication.
My husband is no help really. He just steers clear of her.

My two year old caught a beetle yesterday and was putting it in the closet and then counting to ten, running back to the closet and 'surprising' him (her?) It was so cute.
She threw it onto my leg and I screamed, then she screamed, then my other daughter screamed and we acidentally broke one the the beetle's legs. Now it's in our flower pot outside and they keep making me check on it.

God hearts Me

When we were little we went to the Mormon church in Utah. When I think back on it now, it seems like someone else's life.

here's how my memory goes.
My parents would drop us off in front of the church. My brother, sister and I would happily wave bye-bye. They would pull away from the curb and we would make a mad dash for the large bush in front of the church. There we would hang out until church was over and my parents picked us up. Sometimes we would go into the church because my sister would threaten to rat us out. God had a close eye on her apparently. Then, when I was in grade 2, I decided against going to church after all and refused to go. One night, the church people came to our house to convince me back into the arms of Jesus. So I hid in my room. They lured me out somehow and then they made my whole family stand in a circle holding hands and pray for me. My family does not hold hands. It was a bit gross.

Shortly thereafter my parents divorced and my mother whisked us off to live in Canada. The church people stopped by a few times but my mom didn't answer the door.

My adult life, up until the birth of my children, was spent questioning and then later mocking the Christian Church. I don't like people telling me I am going to hell for not thinking exactly like them. Actually, I don't like people telling me I am going to hell for anything.

Anyway, when my children were very tiny and very ill in the hospital, a nurse appeared out of a completely empty hallway and, instead of pretending to not see me cry like many others, looked me straight in the eye and told me she would pray for my children. She meant it. It made me feel so much better and I vowed to not mock any more Christians. It occurred to me that there are many many believers out there who don't feel the need to jam it down the throats of others.

So I learned to shut up and be more accepting. Which is what I am trying to do. And it's hard sometimes. Especially when there are people like Bush running around claiming to be such a good Christian while killing thousands of innocent people. Ahh, but that's another story. I'm really trying.

I got this today

TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY.
> >
> > 1... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll
> > ask how many people you drove who didn't have
> > transportation.
> >
> > 2... God won't ask the square footage of your house,
> > He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
> >
> > 3... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your
> > closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
> >
> > 4... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll
> > ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
> >
> > 5... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask
> > if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
> >
> > 6... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask
> > how many people to whom you were a friend.
> >
> > 7... God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
> > He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
> >
> > 8... God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll
> > ask about the content of your character.
> >
> > 9... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek
> > Salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in
> > heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
> >
> > 10... God won't have to ask how many people you
> > forwarded this to, He already knows.

I have something to say about #10.

Is that a threat? Am I going to hell because I didn't forward something? Is that the criteria because it's not the worst thing I have done. Won't the devil be slightly disappointed in me? "You didn't forward THE GOD email? A sunburn for YOU!">
I hate forwarded crap and, as a rule, I don't usually read it and I certainly never forward it. I chose to read this because it was from Skunky Stephie and I thought it might be fodder.
Anyway, see you in hell if you don't forward that message. Cheers!

I have a confession to make

And then I will go clean the house.
I sometimes talk to my ex-boyfriend via email and I tell him horrible lies. Sometimes I tell him I am training for a marathon, sometimes I tell him I am buying a resort (deal fell through)I used to tell him about what a great and cool snowboarder I am but I haven't used that one recently.
Yes, I am just that pathetic.
I do this because he is such a total asshole for breaking up with me - the best catch around. I would never, ever trade my gorgeous husband (ya, the fucktard one...sorry honey...) on this ex-wanker but I just am not big enough to tell him I simply moved onward and upward after him. He has since traveled the world and god knows what else and I got married and had kids. Again, I wouldn't trade but his life does look far more internationally exciting on paper.
See how sometimes I don't blog for weeks and then I just can't stop?

You should be ashamed!

I was just barely getting over one of my daughters telling 3 people at the grocery store that "mommy has a rash in her panties" when my other darling offspring offered up "you have to be careful when you are playing with daddy's balls" to all the women at our play group.
Don't call the cops okay. She meant "when you are playing with daddy in the driveway with the soccer ball, you must be careful of cars backing up"
Maybe I need to start clarifying things a wee bit.
The rash thing is half true. I had a heat rash on my stomach from working out at the gym. No really, I did.

Masochist

Unless you hate yourself and like doing mean things to yourself, don't give your two year old twins flashlights in their beds at night.
"I am shining the light in my NOSE!" squeals of laughter.
"I am shining the light in your eye!" squeals of laughter.
repeat 1000 times until 10:30 p.m.

conversations with my mother

Ring ring riiiiing.

Her: Hello
Me: Hi Mom. Just thought I would call with a funny story. My darling daughter got so mad at me she jammed an entire tub of Playdough into her face. haha, she really showed me hey?
Her: pause. Well, I think you need to figure out why your children have behavioural problems. It seems to me there must be a better way you could do it.
Me: Umm, ya they're 2 going on 3 so I think that might have something to do with it.
What are you up to?
Her: Watching Oprah. She has some big announcement to make today. She is such a snotty bitch. I guess if you are the richest woman in the world you can be like that.
Me: Well you know I love Oprah.
Her: Well I like her a lot too. It's just hard when really big women like that lose a lot of weight. Of course she has a personal trainer and chef.
Me: Well I say good for her.
Her: Me too. I have always liked Oprah.
Me: No Mom, you have always disliked her immensely.
Her: I have NOT. I think she has done some really good stories. Well, she used to be preachy. Then she wasn't and now she is skinny and preachy.
Me: Okay mom well I think I have to go and make the girls dinner.
Her: well at least your children don't have eating problems. Whats your friends name? The one with the kids who don't eat? Do they eat yet?
Me: Yep, great eaters now mom. I have to go.
Her: Well, I wonder what she has done to make those kids stop eating. Hahaha.
Me: Oh, I heard someone trying to touch the hot element in the kitchen. I really have to go.
Her: Is your husband home? Or I suppose he has some sport he is coaching tonight. You need a decent babysitter.
Me: Alrighty then mom, got to run.
Her: Okay, bye-bye dear.

flower

Untitled-112
Originally uploaded by onebadmum.

just because I took it and I like it

CNN = Certainly Not News

So a woman goes missing. Sad and frightening. Reminds us of Lacy Peterson and the woman from Utah and we are worried. Where can she be?
Then we find out that she actually just pulled a Margot Kidder and is alive and full of shit in New Mexico.
So CNN, being the stupidest channel in the world, kicks into high gear and runs the "story" ALL day. Did it not cease to be a true news story when she was found and found out? How, in god's name, is this newsworthy? There were literally hundreds of children abducted yesterday but CNN chooses to run this all day.
I know, I know. And I didn't watch it (after the first report that is) but every time I went by the channel there she was, all smiley and shiny before she decided to pretend to be abducted instead of marrying the guy with the giant soccer ball head.
They went on and on about how she is an avid runner. Ya, no kidding, runs like the wind that one.
I so hate CNN. So so much.