oprah, seriously...

Heres what I hate. Grade 1. I know I am supposed to love it. All the parents tell me so. I have all day to myself etc.
Except I hate it. I miss my kids when they are at school. And I have time to wonder.
I wonder how they are doing with their new teacher. I wonder why she won't make eye contact with me, why my daughter has anxiety about staying there all day, why my husband asked if we should be making our daughter prettier to fit in better, why I am working so hard and missing my kids so much.
Ugh. Is there such thing as post kindergarten depression, because I think I have it. I am living in the past I guess. I miss the time that the 3 of us had together and the freedom we had. I miss long car rides to make them nap and sippy cups (yes! sippy cups!) I miss my babes.
I don't want to set them loose in full time school yet. I'm not ready.
I cried all day. Fuck.
I feel guilty about working. I've started buying lottery tickets.
I have to use a highlighter pen to keep everyone on track with soccer, daycare, mommy time, daddy time, nana time, homework time, reading time, t.v. time, computer time, dinner time, time for me, time for us, time for work, time for planning, time to avoid the things I must do but don't want to (such as this post)
Oprah keeps pointing out all the things that are wrong in my life. I have to stop with Oprah. She is making my post k depression worse. Live your own best life Opes, mines too facking busy to make little cards that I have to put in sections that I have to then read and throw away...or keep...or something.
Are my kids going to be scarred forever because I work evenings and hardly ever get to kiss them before bed even though they have a really good daddy that does? Probably not. I might be.