conversations with my mother

Ring ring riiiiing.

Her: Hello
Me: Hi Mom. Just thought I would call with a funny story. My darling daughter got so mad at me she jammed an entire tub of Playdough into her face. haha, she really showed me hey?
Her: pause. Well, I think you need to figure out why your children have behavioural problems. It seems to me there must be a better way you could do it.
Me: Umm, ya they're 2 going on 3 so I think that might have something to do with it.
What are you up to?
Her: Watching Oprah. She has some big announcement to make today. She is such a snotty bitch. I guess if you are the richest woman in the world you can be like that.
Me: Well you know I love Oprah.
Her: Well I like her a lot too. It's just hard when really big women like that lose a lot of weight. Of course she has a personal trainer and chef.
Me: Well I say good for her.
Her: Me too. I have always liked Oprah.
Me: No Mom, you have always disliked her immensely.
Her: I have NOT. I think she has done some really good stories. Well, she used to be preachy. Then she wasn't and now she is skinny and preachy.
Me: Okay mom well I think I have to go and make the girls dinner.
Her: well at least your children don't have eating problems. Whats your friends name? The one with the kids who don't eat? Do they eat yet?
Me: Yep, great eaters now mom. I have to go.
Her: Well, I wonder what she has done to make those kids stop eating. Hahaha.
Me: Oh, I heard someone trying to touch the hot element in the kitchen. I really have to go.
Her: Is your husband home? Or I suppose he has some sport he is coaching tonight. You need a decent babysitter.
Me: Alrighty then mom, got to run.
Her: Okay, bye-bye dear.