Stupid Cat

Yesterday my asshole of a cat caught a bird and proudly brought it to me on the back deck much to the horror of my 3 year olds. One of my daughters screams NOW IT'S DEAD which shocks me because I didn't even know she knew that word. The t.v. is not raising them nearly as well as I had hoped. So I try to usher them inside and, as they are going, my other daughter is asking "why he deaded it?" So seconds before I open my mouth I realize how horribly ill-prepared I am for this conversation. Even I was surprised to find out what I was going to say. So I launch into this whole thing about the spring and the autumn and the leaves and the sun and the earth and the deer and the snow and they are just staring at me blankly. Just staring. No expressions at all. So to clarify, I explain about the birds and the bees and the gravitational pull of the moon. They just walk away and one daughter says to the other "maybe she'll put it in the nest and it will fly away soon"
During this conversation I have also had the smoke alarm go off only to find I have inadvertently turned to stove on to high while trying to scoop up the bird. The pizza box from the night before is still on the stove of course, so it is fully engulfed in flames. I managed to save two pieces of the pizza (thank god) after I threw water on the box. I am just putting out fires left and right!