I haven't disappeared forever

I am on holidays. With my inlaws. Means I may have a few stories to write later this week. Also means I am ready to de-ball my husband.

next time, don't stay so long.

You know that feeling of dread when you wake up with a pounding headache and last night is a big blur? That's me Saturday morning. It's been a long time since I've had a hangover and I am fairly certain it will be a while again.

Stephanie invites herself and family, along with another couple and their kids, to my house for dinner etc. Friday night.

I am fairly certain, based on eye witness reports, that I was a complete and utter asshole. When I say asshole, I mean getting rip roaring drunk and sneaking off to the bathroom to smoke pot by myself in the room next to one of their sleeping children.

First of all, before you get all judgey on me, I am blaming my husband. He knows I have no 'off' switch. I can't be trusted when I drink 3 bottles of wine and he married me knowing full-well. Before you go calling social services, my husband was sober.

Oh gawd, I want to die of embarrassment. Now I have to apologize for putting their child in potential danger. Not a real danger because, lets face it, the child probably gets more chemicals in his lungs just being outside near traffic (if he got any at all). But I have to apologize because I'm a grown up (dammit!) Not everybody sees it my way.

I wish I had the kind of friends that would laugh at my bad behavior. You know, enable me a little. I can just picture old skunk-cut Steph calling all of the other mothers in town and letting them know just how bad that mum is. The grade 7 girl in me just makes me break out in hives with worry over that one.

I am on my best behavior now. Whatever that means.

BHAM! BI

So I decide to take the girls out for a drive to see this really expensive property that we could never get. Just for kicks. On the way back there was a fawn on the side of the road but trapped up against the fence of the Air Force Base. I stop to A) Show the girl's a baby deer and B) to somehow protect the deer from traffic. A big Red SUV comes barreling along in the other direction and I try and wave to her sort of vaguely, she sees the fawn last minute and then from my rear view mirror I see the fawn go flying/rolling off the side of the road. I say "oh My GOD" about 6 times and one of the kids is in the back saying "I saw the baby deer, he is nice" in kind of a panicky voice. They didn't actually see anything but the horror on my face said plenty. I then sped off instead of stopping and helping the woman. Aaahhhhh, I couldn't take it. I pictured her blaming me and calling me horrible names or having the girl's being scarred by a wounded deer.

It figures that the deer would be stopped up by the military fence (oh the irony!) and that a big SUV hit it.

rose
Originally uploaded by onebadmum.

International Women's Day

Well today is our day. A day to celebrate women and being a woman. I am pissed of I didn't know this until tonight as I definitely would have had my husband do all of the chores and errands to celebrate me.
My daughter said to me "no more wine okay momma?" as I drank my beer at dinner. What the...?
Okay honey, then no more windmill throwing your poopy diaper down the stairs and then laughing hysterically with your sister okay? And no more hitting your sister on the head in a fit of rage when she won't 'cheers you' with her sippy cup okay? And definitely no more locking me out when I go to warm up the car for you okay? mmmkay.
You don't want to break their little spirits but jeee-sus. I resent the implication from my 2 year old that I may have a drinking problem. I wish I had the time for a drinking problem.
Anyway, I am off to visit my crazy mother tomorrow. She has vacuumed under the downstairs guest bed, like, 3 times in the last week. Maybe the little lady needs to get out of the house for a while if you know what I mean. Koo koo is setting in.

My mother is crazy

Talking to her sometimes is the most bizarre thing ever. I feel like I'm on drugs half of the time (and the other half, I really am) She just has such an odd way of putting things.
My mother said to my sister today that she is "saving my money to have a shopping trip to Bellingham as momma needs some new clothes" The momma part she said in husky southern drawl. She said it seriously. I don't know how she expects us to take her seriously.
Beside the fact that my mother does not need, in any way, to save money for a shopping trip, was she trying to imply that she and her husband were going to have sex on this shopping trip? We didn't quite understand and my sister just absolutely has a bird with any mention that my mother has sex. But in my sisters defense, my mother has been known to say some truly vulgar things in public.
When I first got my drivers license, my mother and I were at a stop sign next to some older highschool guys and my mother, to my extreme horror, rolled down her window, leaned waaaay out towards the guys and YELLED "HEY GUYS! ANYONE WANT TO DATE AN OLDER WOMAN?" I died 1000 times right on the spot. She just laughed and rolled her window up.
Another time, at my highschool graduation party, my mother who was liquored up, sat on my friends lap, and told him she was a 'slut'. I know how truly horrible that sounds but I do have to say that the word 'slut' around our house was a humorous word that we all used for various reasons, including naming the cat 'slutface'. Just writing it now, I see where all of my problems have come from.
Anyway, I think my point is made about my mother being crazy.

Laylani Mikaylah

I've just been reading www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com. It's basically devoted to finding, and then insulting, baby names. I like it. There are just so many bad, bad names out there.
My kids, Nancy and Ethel would agree.

On today's agenda we have sewing, sewing and more sewing. Maybe a little child rearing as well but we'll see.

A couple of questions

Why are women who work in fabric stores so odd? I accidentally said "yard" instead of "metre" and I might as well have said "cock's length" instead. "I'll have a cock's length of the tropical sunsets please" and I'm talkin my husband, not yours, if you know what I mean.

There is a restaurant in Vancouver called Joey tomatoes and they "actively discourage" parents from bringing children there to eat by not having highchairs or boosters. Oh and also making sure that it is in every newspaper so everyone knows their stance. So why isn't every mother in Vancouver packing up her snotty toddlers and hitting Joey's for lunch? I mean, where are the shit disturbers? I find the idea quite funny, but maybe that's just me. Better yet, bring the toddlers and some childless friends to sit at the next table. Have the couple complain and demand a free meal when your kids fling their Mediterranean grilled mahi mahi across four tables.

classy joint

It's okay that my two year old just ate ketchup and nothing else for dinner right?

this is a little test

F1030020
Originally uploaded by onebadmum.

Almost forgot

Today is my grandmothers birthday. Happy birthday grandma, where ever you are. I miss you.

If you have a grandparent out there, give them a ring today.

heeeey, nice ass

Feeling pretty damn good about myself today.
I managed to make a pair of really cool pants for 85 cents (if you add in labour at $60/ hr which, in my fantasy life, is what I earn, they actually cost well over a hundred dollars but nevermind) My friend had these pants that I actually could stomach looking at myself in and I was all geared up to go get some until she informed me they cost $90.
$90 is the cost of my entire wardrobe.
These are Lululemon exercise pants not fancy wedding pants.
Not I'm really single and I need a boyfriend pants.
Not I have a function to attend in two hours and nothing to wear pants.
Just plain black exercise pants.
I tried to find some on EBay but there were 9000 bids per pair and I just can't be trusted bidding on EBay anymore (I WILL WIN AT ANY COST!)
So I ripped apart of pair of old pants I thought were about the right shape, taped 7 sheets of my kids construction paper together, drew on the pants, pretended to measure several things, cut and sewed and
Viola!
They're great. My husband called them a "bit bunchy" and said that "maybe you should fix the bottom" but whatever, he wears sweater vests, so screw him.
I made a cool maternity shirt last week too. It didn't start out as a maternity shirt but hey, I like a surprise as much as the next guy.
Oh ya baby, I love it cheap. 85 cents makes me a little weak-kneed with ecstasy.
Ask anyone, if I get a compliment on something I am wearing, I always tell the price of it.
"Oh, I like those shoes"
"3 dollars! Can you believe it?!" The cheaper it is the more explanation points it gets.

I'm out. Have a great day. My two year old just told the cat to "beat it' hhhmmm, maybe it's time to get out of the house.