serious morning thoughts

As a mother to daughters I have a lot of fear that I will screw them up. It is so important to me that my kids don't grow up hating themselves, or their bodies, and I know that my every move is being watched and will be emulated.

I just got off of the phone with my mother and I am super pissed off with her. It shouldn't be such a big surprise to me that I didn't get any post secondary education (or much anyway) She is such a negative freak. Her insecurities about people who are more educated than her just shine through. She insults pretty much anyone who is educated. Especially women who are smart. And if you are pretty, clearly the only reason you brushed your hair this morning was to rub your superior beauty in her face.

I mentioned that I was interested in taking a course online. "well if you want to deal with all of those people - the geeks - I guess you could do that." I can remember a time in highschool where I was looking through the college course selection book and she just mocked it. Much better to move out with your boyfriend then to get a little education.

I know as an adult that I should quit blaming my mother for things I haven't done and I am trying to do just that by telling you all about it. I can hear Dr. Phil in my head. All of his little quips have rolled into one for me now. Something about a dog on a farm and wanting to be right. Damn Dr. Phil.

So I need to feel empathy for my mother and understand that she and I are different. Also, that time can't be turned back and what is done, is done. I can do better for my daughters if I am aware of the problem right? RIGHT? mmmkay.

My mother had a child kidnapped from her. Yes kidnapped. She had a charmed childhood and an adolesence filled with parental alcoholism. She was special because she was tiny. Valued little pixie.
Honestly, she has done the job to the best of her ability. She has given us humour.

Okay, I have talked myself off the ledge.