Flo, Kerri and the lap dogs

My mother in law is Flo. My sister in law is Kerri. Shelby is Flo's lap dog. John is Kerri's lapdog/ husband. If they ever find this blog they will kick me out of the family. They never really let me in anyway so no harm no foul there.
I have a list as long as my long long arm of all the things Flo has done to make me feel unwelcome. Let's see:

• I really like listing my hardships with bullets...
• I asked Flo to make a couple of salads for our wedding. I asked her to make them vegetarian as we were already having meat ones made. I offered recipes but she said no. She made a ham and pea salad mixed with mayonaise and also some punch that smelled and looked like vomit.
• We put her up in a cabin on the riverfront for a week. In return she wrote a snide little message in the guest book she ordered me to buy and left the wedding 5 minutes before the gift opening without saying goodbye (or anything else) to me.
• When I was pregnant and hospitalized for 2 months she did not visit or call me once even though she lives an hour away. When my girls were born she made a giant production in the waiting room complete with tears of worry and hand wringing. 'Cause she's so supportive.
• The first Christmas I came to her house (and oddly my last....) she had a stocking hung above the chimmney with care for everyone but me. Shelby the Dog had a super cute one though.
• On my kids first birthday she pushed me aside while I was feeding them the cake I made them and told me in front of everyone that I was traumatizing my kids. She's so cool.
• there is so much more but I best save some good stories for later.
• oh wait. On our last visit she went through my luggage and folded everything in it, including my undies. I had my period.

It's snowing like a sonofobitch. Best go have a glass of wine.